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User's Guide for the Paralyzed Penis: Sex after spinal cord injury
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I’ve been a paraplegic for eleven years and I’m also a professional writer, so you would think writing about disability would come easily for me. It doesn’t. Most of my writing is humorous, and it’s difficult for me to use that light touch about disability issues without appearing to be in denial. Full disclosure then: I have no sensation below my ribs, and as you can no doubt imagine, sexually, there’s a lot about that that really sucks.
At the hospital where I did my rehab for spinal cord injury (SCI), all they gave me to help with sexual issues was a printout of instructions on how to masturbate, a sort of user’s manual for the paralyzed penis: “Put water based lubricant in the palm of your right hand. Grasp the shaft of your penis and stroke it in ascending and descending movements.” At the bottom of the page, like a warning on a Styrofoam coffee cup, it said, “CAUTION: Do not grip too tightly.”
“And remember,” a nurse told me, “the brain is the largest sex organ.” This advice really pissed me off with its do-as-I-say, not-as-I-do ease. But she was right in the sense that, for a long time, the idea of sex fucked with my mind.
My mother was most worried about me being single with no children. At her request I got a visit from a urologist who told me that he had no experience with spinal cord injury, but he had read in an article that frozen sperm was not as reliable as fresh sperm to impregnate a woman. If I ever wanted kids, then, getting that fresh sample would be my first problem. Thanks to the literature, I had a firm grip on how to handle my penis; coaxing sperm from it proved more difficult.
Initially, I was sure my sexual sensation would come back, and masturbation gave me pleasurable spasms in my stomach. But I found after hours of exertion that all there was to show for the effort were imprints of my fingers on my penis and frustration. I couldn’t orgasm, I couldn’t ejaculate, and like most men with spinal cord injury, I couldn’t even maintain an erection. The whole “self love” thing was like shaking a rubber chicken by the neck. Someone else’s rubber chicken.
My doctor prescribed Papaverine for the erectile dysfunction, a drug you inject into the corpus cavernosum with an insulin syringe. It didn’t help me ejaculate or orgasm, but it gave me an erection right away that lasted for hours. And hours and hours. It was as if my penis had an exoskeleton.
The odd thing about Papaverine was that the head of my penis didn’t swell in tune with the remainder of my erection. My member ended up looking like a scale sculpture of an acorn glued to the end of a baseball bat. This was another blow to my ego. I already had to deal with the possibility of embarrassment from my uncontrollable bladder or my errant G.I. tract. Now I had a conical cock.
But I was lucky enough to be injured at the beginning of a wave of progress for living with spinal cord injury, and after a couple of years of shooting up Papaverine, I discovered that Viagra gave me an erection that appeared natural. I still couldn’t ejaculate, but at least my penis was dependable. I didn’t have to get out my works before sex and I was no longer in danger of getting track marks on my organ.
The problem with Viagra for me, besides headaches and concerns about long term side effects, is that it takes up to two hours to work, which rules out spontaneity. I have to make a judgment call about whether an erection will be useful to have in a few hours. Since I’ve always been an optimist, this means that I end up swallowing a lot of unneeded pills and then sleeping on my back.
My now sturdy organ doesn’t get me any closer to my own enjoyment, though, and coping with the changes in my sex life is an on-going process. That doesn’t mean that sex has less value for me. Most people assume this is the case because they focus on what I’ve lost and not on what I still have. But I look at sex as pleasure across a continuum that involves all the experiences of making love: touch on parts of my body that have sensation, touch I give to my partner, the smell, the taste, vision. After I got over the tragedy of my losses, I found that my hospital nurse was right, sexual enjoyment is what's in your mind. The sex of penile need is primarily selfish, and since I have no sensation there, my sexual enjoyment has changed to shared sensations, even into a vicarious form of pleasure where my partner’s enjoyment is something I experience with her.
This doesn’t mean I think I am better off without orgasms or that I’m a better lover because of it. I remember what it is like to climax and many times my longing for that feeling is almost a physical pain. But there is more to sex than genital friction. It is difficult to explain this to the general public, and that’s why we in the SCI community don’t talk about sexuality and paralysis very often.
Our silence on the issue has created a shortage of research and literature specifically for spinal cord injury. Even now, when anything is written about disability and sex, we are grouped together with people who have every other type of “disability,” from MS to Down’s Syndrome. These books are generally irrelevant to SCI and I have always found them to be useless in coping with my situation.
One idea that gets me past that futility is something I heard about shortly after my hospital stay. Technically it is called a “paraorgasm” or “phantom orgasm,” where a person fantasizes an orgasm into being by mentally intensifying an existing sensation from one feeling region of their body and imagining it to occur in their genitals. I have read about other people with SCI being able to have these mental orgasms, but I have never met anyone who has had one. Most people in spinal cord injury circles have heard of them, and among the people I know it is kind of like a poltergeist sighting, you either believe in them or you don’t.
As I said, I’m an optimist about most things, so I’m sure it can happen. It’s just a matter of concentration and relaxation, like achieving nirvana but a little more difficult. I’ve tried several nontraditional ways of achieving this elusive orgasmic enlightenment, from hypnosis and visualization to dabbling with tantric sex practices. But this is not a full-time venture. Most of the time, I just enjoy sex for what it is. I am not hoping for more. True, it doesn’t reach the heights of what sex was for me; there is the build up, the enjoyment, but no denouement. Every new woman asks me, “What can I do to make you feel good?” The answer is that I don’t know; I am enjoying what sex is now. But if you believe in ghosts … "
Tre Trefethen is a freelance writer in the Bay Area who has examined the divisions of sexuality in science, sports, and politics. He has also written on subjects ranging from stem cell research to tandem sky diving, and he is currently working on a book about the union movement.
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Sex is an adventure not a destination...
I have been a T-12 para since 1961. I have had this disability for almost 50 years now, so suffice it to say I have rolled the same ground many of you have. So with that in mind let me be frank and to the point since talk is cheap but insight is invaluable... plus I don't know how many characters this "comment" box will hold :)
Men and women, please stop concentrating and obsessing so much on what you DO NOT HAVE and please, please enjoy and discover what you DO HAVE left. Our bodies are more miraculous than most of us will ever know. Remember that 90% of overcoming your disability is your mental attitude and 10% is your actual physical limitations, albeit some much more difficult than others, but with this technology advanced society we live in today you are so much better off than disabled people were way back in the 60's when they didn't even have curb-cuts.
They say that necessity is the mother of invention and I am a great proponent to that end. So guys, ladies, let's get smarter here. You say you want an erection or ejaculation or an orgasm like you used to have before the SCI. Sorry to say this but you are not the same guy, or girl you where before your SCI. Things have changed in your adventure, your member is not as awake and stout as it used to be and chances are you will most likely never get that same ol' feelin' back again. Believe me that I hope and pray that you do, but for the most part what you have now is what you gotta live with. A real bummer, I know!
I mentioned "mother of invention" for a reason and that is my main thrust here. Men (women pay attention here too) your member does not react the way it used to, that's a given, but I bet if you experiment and get creative here you can help your member wake up given the correct combination of circumstances. Here are some random tips I have been told about or have discovered along my adventure. Some of these might help, some may not. Remember it's an a d v e n t u r e!
COMMUNICATION is always the best key to great sex!!!! But alas some do not fare too well in this category, so...
Women, know what kind of SCI man you have. Is he a guy that is in touch with his feelings and can vocalize what he feels or not? If not, talking in bed might not be his thing so help him discover himself by experimenting with things with different textures or smells on the parts of his body he can feel. Like silk, rayon, your panties, your nylons, denim, wool, just the right perfume, ice cubes, chocolate, whipped creme, hot wheels (remember the movie with Tom Cruise called Days of Thunder 1990?, just reverse the partners!), whispering in his ears, licking his ears or other parts. Be creative. Also some guys get a real rush from being in a situation where you say to him, "I just have to have you NOW" no matter how public it is. It makes him feel so desirable instead of un-desirable which is a mind set that can plague almost all SCI's.
One thing I heard which surprised my wife and I was a story about a young couple newly married and on their honeymoon, were in a terrible car accident of which he died and she almost died. When the wife found out about her husband's death she was obviously grief stricken but still had the presence of mind to have his sperm collected so that she could continue their family plans and have her beloved children. Now here is the SCI part that might help some like it did me. They collected the sperm by palpitating his prostate/cowpers gland just inside the anus and they got him although deceased, to ejaculate enough for the wife to have three children by her husband. Wow!
Okay, now I'm not into the GAY thing at all! I'm 100% red blooded American, die for his country, women are the most beautiful beings that God created, but my wife and I were really curious though about how this could possibly work to help me ejaculate. So since I can't really feel on my member or my butt she started to massage my anus and the surrounding area underneath my scrotum and... well let's suffice it to say that all came out well. In fact very well. Since then she, being the one who "want's to give back to me" after I have pleased her, she has experimented with licking and massaging that area and also inserted a couple of fingers to manually palpitate my prostate/cowpers gland and all is going surprisingly well.
I have come to realize, after getting over my homo-phobic tendencies that it's not where or how the act is being accomplished but that the act of love and passion for one another has been improved and or heightened because of the love, care and concern between two sexual beings.
One thing I do have to interject here is the law of diminishing returns that haunts all sexual partners able bodied or disabled. Basically it means that the more often you do "it", the less intense, the less satisfying, the less enjoyable it will be, especially since you no longer have the natural sensation before your SCI. Everything works better in moderation. Remember, you do have sensations elsewhere and your brain is your main sex organ. It's not what's in your pants, it's how you feel about your partner and your adventures with that one person that really counts.
Time for me to get off of my soap box now...
Thanks for your time. Hope some of this helps.
Yes you can contact me via rixpix247-gimp@yahoo.com
Affection with the one your with
I have been dating a man who can't feel anything below his belly button. He is very independent and I love his personality. I am getting used to him and learning what his likes and dislikes are. Our first sexual experience was great. He told me that his focus is about making me happy. As with all relationships learning what pleases your partner is important. So we will continue to learn. This article has put a lot of things into perspective.
Thanks
Another SCIerd trying to comfort
Hi all
Atlast i found a web site i can speak freely...
Im paralized(T10) for the past 6 years(31 atm) now in wich i did not wanna touch myself or even think about sex, but when i did for the fist time, haha, it felt like i was not parralized. I was lying in the bath the 1 morning and thought...why not? I got hold of my "shaft" and got erected and ejaculated, when i reached orgasm I got a hot rush, my stummich and legs went into spasm and i almost squirted myself in the eye lol . But to be honest...I had to be very, very relaxed and thinking that im actualy having sex.
What im trying to say is "IT IS POSSABLE" hang in there.
Goodluck to u all
Thank God for this site!
I too just started getting to know someone with sci, and although we live in different states, I will be seeing him soon. We are very attracted to each other and he seems VERY confident in the whole physical aspect the sexual stuff. I know this because of the comments he makes about being with me. I have not asked him yet if it "works" down there because it seemed inappropriate and it just didn't occur to me that it wouldn't. Maybe I just sense that it does? He is such a beautiful soul inside and out that it really didn't occur to me to worry about it until recently when we both decided we would like to take this relationship to the next level. When I look at him I don't even see the wheelchair, I am so crazy about him. I just hope I can please him and make him happy too! Thank you for all of the insight on this topic :)
Please help
I have started seeing a man with sci T7. We haven't had sex yet. I know he has no feeling below his chest but his penis does get erect. I don't dare ask him yet if it is possible for him to ejaculate. I have thought about waiting to find out when we end up in bed. You mention that it is possible to ejaculate for a lot of men with sci. Where can I find more information about this? I have read a lot of medical stuff about sci in the short time we have been seeing each other, but frustratingly, I haven't been able to find any information available about sex on this subject (save for this website). There is a lot I want to know but I don't dare ask him, so I guess I am just trying to self study. He is very sweet and answers my questions when I ask, but despite putting on brave face, I think he senses that I am shocked whenever we touch the subject. Thank you for all your replies.
Don't know how to bring it up
I have been seeing a man with a complete sci(located around the T12) for 5 months. He is the most amazing man i have ever meet and find his strength and courage to be his most attractive qualities. He makes me so happy both emotionally and sexually but i don t know what i can do to return the favor. He worships my body and i want to make him as happy as he makes me, i spend hours massaging his back and kiss him but i want to know what else i can do to satisfy him. Also i don't really know how to bring up the subject of sex without embarrassing him. He is 23 ans i am 22 and im sure it would be difficulf for him to talk about and would love some suggestions as to how to approach the topic. If any one could help me i would really appriecate it, i love this man very much and even if i would never be able to have intercourse for the rest of my life i could live with that but i just feel selfish because i dont know if i can satisfy him.
what you can do for your man
Ok frist of i am a male t10 para aka i got a sci and can no long feel anything below my bellybutton.... That being said i am 21 years old and very active in the sex area here is what i found that a women can do for me in bed. Frist off think of him as if he were you to a point in other words do what you like being done to you.... like when you are makeing out slowly move to his neck take your time on this and lightly kiss his neck, bite, suck, lick you get the point while doing this touch his nipples lightly this is a big key cuz if you do it hard it just doesnt feel as good to me... but work your way down still kissing and all that until you get to his nipple again slower is better as this builds up the emoition. use your tongue on the nipple and use your hand and massage is head and from there ligth touch to the neck is great!! work your hand down to the other nipple and repeat... also switch from nipple to nipple. i would almost bet that if you did all of this he would find you to be a godess in bed. BUT THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE IS TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM AND HAVE AN OPEN MIND SOME TIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO JUMP INTO AND SEE WHAT HAPPENDS HE WILL MORE THAN LIKELY SHOW YOU WHAT HE LIKES BUT BY NOT DOING IT YOU WILL NEVER KNOW>> bryant..... if you got anything i can help you with let me know I am on myspace my email is bryantd1@peoplepc.com good luck and have fun
That is very interesting to
That is very interesting to hear about the hypogastric nerve. I'm interested to know if that works for men too!
I am dating a man with a T10 injury and we have not had intercourse yet. Not because he doesnt want to, but because of me. I feel like its selfish of me because I don't know what to do to reciprocate. I really want to get over this feeling because I dont want him to think that my holding out is because of him. I'm not trying to be too personal, but can anyone offer some suggestions as to how I can please him other ways while we are doing the deed so I don't feel so selfish??
I really appreciate any advice. I'm truly in love with him and think he may be the one so I really want to get past this.
prostate gland and orgasm
I have read about women with complete SCI achieving G-spot orgasms. Beverly Whipple has documented this phenomenon and suggests that the sensations experienced are transmitted through the hypogastric nerve, bypassing the lower portions of the spinal cord. I wonder if this is possible for men too? If men who have lost sensation in their member can still experience orgasm through stimulation of the prostate - "the male g-spot" -- through the rectum? Does anyone have experience in this area?
Discus sex before getting romatically involved.
You have every right to discus sex now. And he needs to be up front about it. Sounds like it does not get erect for him. Maybe the Levitra or Viraga will help.
If your romance requires a stiff hard penis in a vagina, move on. And do not feel bad about it.
Sex with a paraplegic or quadriplegic male is not that hot for the man. His enjoyment will be getting you off,one way or another. Do not feel you have to do something in return as it does not exist. That is the fault of the injury and something that does not happen with strictly genital sex. He is like the woman who has to fake organisms as she thinks this pleases him.
There is more to loving sex than genital to genital sex, and I don't have to explain that.
My experience as a SCIP is 44 years. Younger, erections were no problem. These days I'm reading up on viraga and levitra as I met this young woman who has woken up the "chemisty". If we go forward, we will get the sex status out of the way quickly. Usually the woman just wants to know what the playing field is up front and that is the way it should be.
Denny
Your Post
Did the post I sent go through to you?
Denny
My husband has been a sci T7
My husband has been a sci T7 for 13 years now. We meet on plenty of fish in June of 07. He told me all about what happened to him brfore we met in person and how i would feel about dating someone in a wheelchair. I told him your still here and thats all that matters. We met in person for the first time and it was love at first site for me. When we had sex for the first time i never even thought about how we would do it lol. It was great sex and then I asked him could i do something to him he said you can try but i dont think anything will happened. Well what came after surprised him more then it did me.Sex is not everything in our ralionship we like doing other stuff to like quading and fishing. We have been married now for almost a year now. We are hopeing to have a baby together one day. We use prostaglandin injection and it works every now and then. So heres hopeing. Because you never know untill you try.
sex
Well Im a 43 year old sci t8, been married 13 years, and have a 9 year old son... do your maths Sex is a very difficult subject, I cant feel anything below my belly button, I can get a hard on some times but its never been used for much sexually. Oral sexy ie me giving it is my saving grace.. I have an expert tongue now.. Sadly my wife and I are not together anymore. not sex related, I have a new G/f of about 6 weeks now and she is wondering what sex is going to ne like and Im actually looking in to the viagra possibility.. Seeing her bouncing up and down on me certainly has its attractions lol, it will be new ground for me if it cum's off sorry for the punn. British humour ... Make sure you tell you b/f how you like to be pleased, mu nipples are really sensitive , rub yours on his, im sure hell love it Just make sure you tell him , hes doing a good job, im sure hell enjoy giving as much as receiving, I know I do Any questions email me smgrlvr@aol.com Steve
the video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eECesvvXC-g
This is my accident. its not much
no orgasm
I'm an L1 and its been about a year and a half since my accident. I just wanted to say that ive found that not being able to have an orgasm has turned me into a very angry person. I try and try,, and think and think for hours and hours until im totally fed up and i have to punch something. I haven't heard this type of reaction from anyone yet. It seams totally useless and i feel way worse than when i started. Has anyone found a way to get an orgasm? maybe a quick orgams pill or something. its been about 3 months now where i cant even think about anything like that. i just dont go there anymore.
Thank you!
I have been dating the love of my life for 6 months now... his sci is half way down his chest. I'm naturally very prude and very shy so we've both had a lot to overcome and we're growing and learning together everyday. He gave me my first orgasm and I'm hoping to figure out how to return the favor one day. I'm def. guilty of asking the "what can i do for you?" question and have at times felt self-conscious. I think the level of trust needed for both of us and the need to develop a true connection is an amazing part of dating someone with a sci. I'm so glad this forum is here though and I wish there were more of them, it's comforting and important!
orgasms, being a female with a sci t12-l1 for the past 15 yrs
im a 31yr old female with a t12 sci injury. and sex, wow, it has never been so good!! my doctor has told me to be thankful for what sci has done to my sex life. i have orgasms almost a much as a 15 yr old boy. and it feels so good. it is kinda embarrassing though, i cum so much and so often but my boyfriend loves it. i think the fact that we are crazy about each other has a lot to do with it. but my vagina seems to be really sensitive now, i am a very senual, sexual person.
Discuss sex before romantic relationship
I corresponded online for month with a guy that has a spinal cord injury. He is seeking a girlfriend and asked to meet in person. I am interested but the subject of sex had not come up during our previous discussions. I don't know the extent of his injuries and how it would affect sex if we were to form a relationship. I have questions and asked if we could talk about the subject. But he refused stating that he did not discuss such matters.
Should the subject of sex be discussed before becoming romantically involved with a person with a spinal cord injury?
Comments and advice are welcome.
Re: Thank you so much for this
I'm glad you found it useful. Good luck to you both.
Re: Just an idea
Ejaculation and orgasm are two different things. Many guys with SCI can ejaculate; not many (at least those with complete injuries) can orgasm. One of the problems with talking about sex with other guys with SCI is just as we see in the comments: people assume their situation is the same as everyone else's situation.
I'm a T-3 and have been for
I'm a T-3 and have been for about 18 years. I'm 38 and for the first 8 years I assumed I couldn't ejaculate. One day after a shower I was erect and just started to masturabate and within minutes ejaculated and have every since. I now have 2 kids, one 6 and the other 2. I was told the higher the better as it relates to ejaculating.
Just an idea
Have you ever tried using a vibrator? I use one that has a controller with a really long cord and a egg shaped vibrator on the end. I have yet to ejaculate but I definitely found that it does all sorts of things to my body, and I also found that my mood changes drastically after using it with a viagra. And it can also be fun with a female partner using it on you and vice versa!
As I said, I’m an optimist
As I said, I’m an optimist about most things, so I’m sure it can happen. It’s just a matter of concentration and relaxation, like achieving nirvana but a little more difficult. I’ve tried several nontraditional ways of achieving this elusive orgasmic enlightenment, from hypnosis and visualization to dabbling with tantric sex practices. But this is not a full-time venture. Most of the time, I just enjoy sex for what it is. I am not hoping for more. True, it doesn’t reach the heights of what sex was for me; there is the build up, the enjoyment, but no denouement. Every new woman asks me, “What can I do to make you feel good?” The answer is that I don’t know; I am enjoying what sex is now. But if you believe in ghosts … "
God can do ANYTHING!
Thank you so much for sharing your testimony. I met this amazing man recently and now we are engaged to be married. Oh by the way...he's 38 and also has a SCI of 7yrs. Because he hasn't been in a relationship since his car accident he doesn't know what he can or cannot do sexually. I believe he's afraid of not pleasing me enough. But on the contrary, I've never been more pleased in my life! And it's not all mental! He can get and keep an erection. He says and definetly acts like he's enjoying every part of me! And because I make him feel so comfortable, he's able to feel relaxed enough to allow his body to do whatever. The mind is a powerful thing!!! Stay strong, Guys!
~Peace and Blessings
I agree - A much needed article about such an important subject
I too have just started a relationship with a guy with an SCI and the sexual aspect of our relationship is terrific, if entirely different to my previous experiences. Giving him pleasure is massively important to me and it has taken a while to adjust my mind set to doing this in ways which are not entirely penis oriented. But, I am getting better at it and over-coming a lot of my own insecurities at the same time. One thing that I have noticed is that during the process I have found very little information on sex and SCI other than those horrendous "Disabled" articles which are sad and entirely inappropriate for the situation I am in with my boyfriend where I am focussing on what he can do and not what he can't so I also really appreciate your article and I really hope that it helps other readers understand what they can do too. Finally, Anonymous....communication is essential and it has made me closer to my boyfriend than I think I have ever been with anyone else in a much shorter space of time...e verything about our relationship is better because of it. Good Luck and I hope you have a brilliant future with your new chap.
Thank you so much for this
Thank you so much for this article!! I am in the beginning stages of a relationship with a man who has a SCI and needed some sort of glimpse into the subject. I don't want to go into it completely nieve although I do realize that the basis of any good relationship, including the sexual aspect, is communication.
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