Sex Columnist to Sex Columnist 

Bonnie Zylbergold shoots the breeze with fellow "sexperts" Em & Lo, taking on everything from their latest book Sex: How to do Everything, to G-Spot hype, favorite sex toys, and disappointed husbands. Read on for the goods!

Bonnie: I got a hold of your book the other day and, to the delight of my husband, quickly devoured it in one night. He especially liked the photos. But I’ve got to ask, after writing so many other books, what made you decide to do this book? Why did you feel there was a need for it?

Lo: To be honest, the publisher came to us and asked us to do it. However, if we thought that it was just more of the same or too much like stuff we’ve done in the past, we wouldn’t have done it. We had never done an illustrated book, which is basically what this book is. Having photos alongside the text really walks the reader through stuff step by step. Plus, we really liked the opportunity to cover even more ground than we had in the past.

This book is also a little different in that it focuses just on straight couples. . . . We tend to, with all of our other projects, really try to be sort of all inclusive.

Bonnie: Yeah, having followed your careers for this many years now, I was wondering about that and must admit I was slightly surprised.  Even in the introduction you guys were very explicit and very straight up (excuse the pun) about the fact that it was for a heterosexually identified audience. Were you guys at all nervous about alienating your nonhetero audiences?

Em: That was a decision that was made by the publisher initially. They wanted a book for straight couples, which we normally don’t do. But once we had committed to the idea, it actually enabled us to write a slightly different book than our usual read; something sexy for couples to go through together. When you’re trying to write a book for everyone, people end up skipping the parts that don’t refer to them or their specific sexual likes or say, “Well, that’s not for me.” We tried to make it—more than any of our other books—something a couple would want to read together in bed and would actually find to be a sexual experience in itself.

Bonnie: I won’t share too much, but it definitely worked for me and my guy, so job well done. He thanks you very much, especially the “massage” part.

Lo: We’re glad it worked!

Bonnie: Dealing solely with heterosexual couples and the suggestions that you did make, how did you decide what to leave in and what to leave out?  You have a pretty huge repertoire of stuff to dig through!

Em: That’s a very good question!

Bonnie: They pay me for something.

Lo: (laughing) I’m trying to remember that process!

Em: We brainstormed together before we sat down to write it, and I think we really just went for the stuff that got the best responses over the years. Like with the intercourse and positions chapter, we knew that we really wanted it to focus on encouraging couples to approach intercourse differently. Specifically intercourse as enjoyed by women, which it often isn’t. We wanted to include a wide range of positions, while making sure that every position we included, there was some way we could say, “Here’s a way to do it to make sure she actually enjoys herself!” That was kind of our guiding principle.

Bonnie: (laughing) Yeah, definitely important!

Going back to the photographs for a little bit, I found the models to be, well, very “hipster hot.”  Were you afraid to use such stereotypically attractive models in the book or was that something that the publishers wanted, too?

Lo: We didn’t have anything to do with that. We knew we wanted it to look sleek and cool, but we did ask for some variety in the models both in size and ethnicity.

Bonnie: You have a very sexy Obama doppelganger in there that all of my colleagues and I are kind of obsessed with right now.

Lo: (laughing) I know! It’s true!

We really pushed it from the beginning, to get some variety in there. Unfortunately, the publisher didn’t go as far in that direction as we would have liked, but the photographer [Rankin] is a British-based high fashion photographer and is pretty well known across the pond. The publisher worked with him separately. We didn’t really have a say in model selection.

Em: It was a pretty big coup for them to get Rankin to do the sex book. This is the first time he’s done anything like this, that I know of.

Bonnie: The photos were beautiful.

Em: The publisher gave him a lot of freedom in terms of working with models he knew and was comfortable with.

Lo: And unfortunately, being a fashion photographer probably means that most of the people that he shoots usually are of a certain size and a certain age.

Bonnie: You guys focus a lot on educating adults on sexuality. In the academic world, people are very focused on sexuality education for teenagers.

Em: People tend to think that sex ed is something that happens either at the beginning or end of your sex life, either in your early teens when you’re learning about the birds and the bees and STDs, or down the road when your relationship is already in a rut and you feel like there’s nothing you can do. We try to focus on that middle area and get people to think of sex education as a life long process.

The more you start thinking about this sort of thing early on in your relationship, the more natural it will feel later on in the relationship when you do want to try new things. I think if you wait fifteen years before breaking out a sex manual together, it’s going to feel totally weird and awkward. But if that’s something that’s just a normal part of your relationship, to read books together and to get ideas together, and not assume that everything will always come naturally, then that will always be part of your relationship together.

Bonnie: We’re very, very big on sexual well being across the life span here at American Sexuality magazine. And one of the things I liked most about the book was the idea that putting in some effort wouldn’t negatively affect the spontaneity of peoples’ sex lives, and that sex is something that you constantly have to work on. In lieu of that, what does sexual literacy mean to you?

Lo: Getting people to think about sex in different ways than they’re used to, to sort of let go of the assumption that people have about sex. For example, the assumption that intercourse is sex and sex is intercourse, and things like oral sex or hand work or manual sex or masturbation aren’t really sex but are considered foreplay or second tier sex, the “poor man’s” version of the be all, end all of sexual activity. . . .

For example, the majority of women don’t orgasm during intercourse, so we focused one chapter on the female anatomy, really trying to help people conceptualize women’s anatomy so women might actually find pleasure in their sexual experiences. That sometimes means figuring out that the typical porn, jack hammering, piston-like thrusting that guys are really into are not always gonna do it for the ladies!

Bonnie: No, not so much, not so much.

Lo: And if she can only have an orgasm from manual stimulation or oral stimulation . . .

Bonnie: She’s crazy.

Lo: That’s not a failure, that’s just her way. And that’s a great way. If a couple includes a guy who orgasms via intercourse and a woman who climaxes via oral stimulation, then sex for them is going to mean oral and intercourse.

Bonnie: Basically, an understanding that intercourse ain’t everything.

Lo: Yeah. And really trying to get people to understand the anatomy, that the clitoris is more than just that external nubbin, or getting people to finally understand and find the G-Spot, but that not everyone enjoys having it stimulated.

The G-Spot doesn’t do it for certain women. It just doesn’t feel good or can actually feel quite annoying. And it’s a bummer ’cause for so long women were saying, “Oh, I have to find my G-Spot! Why can’t I find it? Why don’t I like it? Is something wrong with me?” To have read all the articles in all the magazines over the past fifteen years, you’d think that the G-Spot was this magic button.

Bonnie: Out of all the sex toys that made it into the book, if you wouldn’t mind maybe sharing your personal favorites?

Lo: I think Fun Factory! Anything by Fun Factory is awesome! They’re a great company that makes high quality products with really good materials that are safe, hypoallergenic, and nontoxic. They all come with instructions for care, use, and cleaning, whereas cheap, crappy, novelty toys don’t. They also come in smart colors and are not intimidating. Plus many of them are rechargeable and even waterproof.

Em: We think everyone should own a Fun Factory toy!

Lo: Their tag line is “Love yourself.” It really encompasses the philosophy of their company, which is all about taking care of yourself, loving yourself, and being good to yourself.

Bonnie: And the planet!

Lo: Yes! We can do that best by buying toys that aren’t made from stinky, jelly rubber, which break way too easily anyway.

Bonnie: Haven’t we all had our fair share of stinky, jelly experiences?! Are there any sexual tips or suggestions in the book that you guys aren’t into?

Em: We try not to assume that what we like in bed is what everyone else will like in bed. One of the things that helps is writing as a team. It’s kind of a built in way to ensure that we’re not making assumptions based on our own personal likes and dislikes. Lots of people tend to think that if their last boyfriend or girlfriend liked something in bed, then their new one will too. But there’s definitely stuff in here that we like more than others, although nothing that we would be against trying or consider wrong or weird. . . . But, yeah, we’re definitely not as good at practicing everything we preach!

Bonnie: That reminds me of my husband, who is constantly reminding people that it’s not as exciting as they might think being married to a “sexpert”.

Em: Exactly.

Lo: Totally. I actually feel guilty a lot of the time.

Bonnie: I’m living a lie!

Lo: Yeah…a little bit. But it’s still probably fun for them when we “have” to try something out. Those are the perks, but most of the time it’s just us sitting in front of the computer, not feeling very sexy, and then not wanting to take our work home at the end of the day.

Bonnie: What is the worst sex advice you’ve come across in your careers?

Lo: The stuff that drives me the most nuts is sex advice that’s based on really outdated “men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” stereotypical, gender role stuff. I remember reading some Playboy bunny or porn star saying to never cut your hair.

Bonnie: (gasp)

Lo: . . . always leave it long if you want to be sexy.

Em: I remember something being in a women’s magazine about positions that make your body look good, which I just thought was so horrible. I think most women are able to forget about their bodies during sex. The idea of making women worry about how their butt looks in this position or that is awful.

Bonnie: Which is interesting ’cause in the book—and I actually really liked this part—you have a section on how to take photographs of each other in bed, where you give suggestions on how to be nice and slim looking when posing.

Em: I think the distinction there is, yes, we’re all vain. It’s different when you’re taking a photograph. No body can completely not care about what they look like. I think its one thing to be able to forget about your body in the heat of the moment, but when you’re taking your picture . . .

Bonnie: Posterity sake!