Picking Up the Locals 

Juneau, Alaska: If you can’t find a fling with days this long, you ain’t getting lucky anywhere.

Make up for all that Vitamin D you’ve been lacking and take advantage of Alaska’s eighteen hour days this summer. While most wouldn’t step foot in the forty-ninth state (or find their footing, for that matter) during its nine long, dark and cold winter months, come summertime, Alaska’s unnatural influx of daylight just can’t be beat. Explore Alaska’s beautiful nature, awesome outdoor adventures, cutesy Victorian architecture, and rich cultural heritage–all on the cheap. And for those needing a little bump and grind on their vacay, Juneau, the state's capital, is quite the metropolitan hub (albeit with a small-town feel). Grab a drink and dance the nightish-day away at The Red Dog Saloon (278 S. Franklin St.) and feed your next day hangover at Wild Spice (140 Seward St.) where a typical lunch shouldn’t cost you more than $9 ($14 if you’re a tequila fan.) Or pick up a local fisherman across the street at The Alaskan Bar (167 S. Franklin) and drag ‘em back to The Historic Silverbow Inn (120 2nd St.) where quirky rooms are pleasantly festooned with lollipops, popcorn and other late night necessities.  For those with cash to burn, opt for the Pearson's Pond Luxury Inn and Adventure Spa (4541 Sawa Circle) where fresh bread and wine greet guests at the door.  You might want to leave the fisherman behind, though, as this tends to be a place for the elite business traveler and established couples (re: walks of shame don’t mesh well with wedding processions and early yoga sessions, both offered at Pearson’s).

Denver, Colorado: Where the chances of bringing back a zygote or itchy, greenish hued souvenirs are slim to none.

If you’re looking for love, rubber style, boink on over to Denver, Colorado: According to Forbes.com, the state ranks highest in U.S. contraceptive sales–a whopping 189 percent higher than average! For the mathematically challenged, that translates to roughly 89 percent more (safe!) sex for Denverites as well as lucky vacationers looking to rock both Denver’s scenic mountain tops and young, single professionals. With one of the country’s largest park systems and three hundred days of sunshine each year, it shouldn’t be too tricky bumping into your next bump and grind. If you’re not into the Tiva-wearing sort (you shouldn’t be in Denver in the first place) try hanging in LoDo (Lower Downtown Denver,) a twenty-three plus square block area which was once the original Denver, and is now hipster central.  Each Thursday until August 7, the Civic Center Outdoor Market and Café features live music and vendors serving everything from burritos to crepes to macramé inspired anything (think rope burn a la S&M lite). Also every Thursday night is the Hot Sounds Concert Series (Glenarm Place, south facing), where the venue turns into a veritable outdoor, boozy nightclub and music buffs can listen to some of Denver’s best bands. If you’re looking for something or someone a little more couth, check out the Denver Art Museum (100 W 14th Avenue Pkwy.) where, surprise, there’s an Amish & Mennonite Quilts exhibition till August 24. But if you’re looking for someone a little more couth and frugal, wait till August 25 when Target hosts a free day at the museum in celebration of the Democratic National Convention. Think about it; cheap, artsy democrats all in one place …  Bathroom sex sans nark, anyone? For those picky types who prefer getting their nasty on in a bed or en-suite lavatory, The Oxford Hotel (1600 17th Street) is in the heart of LoDo but feels like a little piece of Europe, which you might be in the mood for, all things considering. But if you truly want to immerse yourself in all things Denver, rest your all-American head at The Burnsley (1000 Grant St., near downtown) or The Curtis (1405 Curtis St.) where you’ll never quite forget just where you are.

Wildwood, New Jersey: Joe Francis’ wet dream.

For those who like their sexual flings meaty, beefy, and primitive in that just shy of evolution sort of way, nothing beats out the Jersey Shore. And with five-miles of pure boardwalk fun, The Wildwoods is the perfect place to find your next conquest/cousin. Peruse the carnival games, bet your life on a roller at one of the three Morey’s Piers (609-729-0586), or simply spend your days lounging on pebbly beaches. Either way, nothing says summer romance like a well won spider ring and whiplash. The best times to go are usually the weekends when the boardwalk fills up with drunk, horny peeps from Jersey and Philly, but there are still plenty of singles working there all week; Wildwood is a long-standing summer-work hub for both Canadians and the Irish who have nothing to do but party and hook up after eight hour days spent guessing tourists weight. Home to more than four hundred restaurants and no fewer than thirty nightclubs and taverns, watch your drink like a hawk at The Fairview (3613 Pacific Avenue, 609-522-7300) or ask an Irishman if he’s really a Scot at the divey Poplar Café (2708 Pacific Avenue, 609-729-3861.)  For those still clutching their glow sticks like its 1998, Hill 16 (3400 Pacific Avenue, 609-729-3900) is as close as you’re gonna get to a drum and base time capsule.  And if claustrophobic, sweaty venues aren’t your thing, worry not as parties often spill out onto porches and the streets till the wee hours of the night (or until the jackass who caused a raucous at Mary’s Apple Darts finally gets arrested). Finding a place to stay is as easy this pseudo “Girls Gone Wild” town, with numerous beach houses up for rent (www.buywildwood.com/Rentals.htm) and cheap, if not ultra-glam, hotels more than willing to let your topless arse back in at 5 a.m. (e.g., The Ala Moana Motel, 5300 Atlantic Avenue). Regarding food, stuff your face with funnel cake till your next round of shots.

Casper, Wyoming: Bored? Perfect then.

Do you enjoy small towns with nothing to do? Neither do the approximately fifty-four thousand residents of Casper, so taking a quick trip over should definitely make for an easy score. Located right in the heart of the great state of Wyoming, this western city has–count em’–four golf courses (Casper Municipal Golf Course, 2120 Allendale Boulevard), multiple sports stadiums (home to both the Wyoming Cavalry and the Casper Ghosts), whitewater kayaking on the North Platte River, and did I mention Casper’s forty-two parks, one large recreation center (1801 East 4th St.; 307-235-8383), ice arena (1801 East 4th St.; 307-235-8484), and indoor aquatics center (1801 East 4th St.; 307-235-8383). If you’re not horny yet, allow me to draw your attention to the city’s nine sports leagues featuring five hundred teams totaling 5,268 players. That’s a lot of enthusiasm in need of some major channeling, perfect for the weekly après-Ghosts fireworks display every Friday night at Mike Lansing Field (330 Kati Lane). If you’re not into little known sports leagues, worry not, as Alice Cooper is coming to Casper August 12 (tickets $32.50-49.50; 800-442-2256). If bad music isn’t your thing either, good ol’ Willie Nelson will be smoking up the Casper Events Center (#1 Events Drive) August 24 (tickets $40.50-$47.50; 800-442-2256). So despite its small population and tiny town vibe, Casper does have something (or someone) for everyone, be it track and field, dungeons and dragons, or tie-dye. Even art lovers have a home in Casper: Housed in a disused power station, the Nicolaysen Art Museum (400 E Collins Drive; $3) displays old and new art by Wyoming artists. While stereotyping yourself and others, may I recommend staying at the Hampton Inn Casper (400 West F St.) which is within walking distance of pretty much everything, including Peaches Family Restaurant (711 E 2nd St.) a veritable culinary feast of all things fried and drowned in mayo. Late night (meaning nothing past 11 p.m.) head over to the fancy Wonder Bar (256 S Center St.) and wait for the next poor sap who, like you, got lost somewhere halfway up the I-25.